As I think about leaving for Malaysia in just 41 days I cant help but think about the decision that truly began my journey towards becoming a Fulbright Malaysia ETA. I chose to go to Gaborone, Botswana for the spring semester of my Junior year of college. I decided to study abroad mostly because a lot of my friends were studying abroad during that semester and I did not want to be left out. I could never really nail down a great reason why I chose Gaborone over the hundreds of other study abroad locations I could choose from. I got into the habit of telling people who asked why I chose Gaborone, Botswana that I threw a dart at a map and just went with it. But to be honest my decision lacked even that much definitiveness. I remember flipping through the pages of location options and just choosing Botswana, mostly because I did not know anything about the place and had a "what the heck" moment. I was really self conscious about this until I got to University of Botswana and met the other international students who would be at UB that semester and learned that most of them did not have a solid reason for choosing Gaborone either besides the spirit of adventure and a longing to get to the African continent (on which study abroad options are severely limited). But the time I spent in Botswana and neighboring countries had a transforming effect on me that I did not expect to have. I fell in love with my life there which was so full of discovery that there was rarely a day that I did not learn something about the new place I was in or about myself. My random decision to just pick anywhere showed me that I could do just that and feel not just happy and excited but content and comfortable in a wildly new space.
I cried on both my first morning and last morning in Gaborone, Botswana. The first day I cried because I was so afraid and nervous. I sat in the back seat of the van on the way from the Airport to the University of Botswana in silence literally trembling with fear, excitement, and disorientation. On the bus with me were three of our UB buddies who would show us the ropes the first few weeks. One of the buddies who I grew fairly attached to during my time, stood next to me and filled the awkward silence by pointing out landmarks, businesses, and points of interest as we drove to the mall to buy a padlock for my dorm room door. (Yes our doors locked and unlocked like lockers. I thought it was strange too.) On that day everything was so new. I did not know anyone, I knew next to nothing about the country I was going to be living in for the next four months (and what I thought I knew I had almost all wrong). I was anxious that I wouldn’t make friends, Motswana or American, and I had a feeling that I made a horrible decision in deciding to complete a semester abroad somewhere so foreign to me.
On my last morning in Gabs I was an emotional wreck. I had found friends, love, community, happiness, peace, and so much more through my adventures there. My experience had been hard, confusing, frustrating, even ridiculous at times but at that point I was so happy I had chosen Gaborone, Botswana and regretted not committing to stay for an entire school year (or moving to South Africa permanently). My heart broke in half when I boarded my flight from Johannesburg Airport back to the States. Even though I had made American friends who since I have been lucky enough to visit and stay in touch with, I knew I was leaving a beautiful piece of myself with the people and experiences that had shaped me so much while I was a student at University of Botswana. I was aware that I had changed, my patience had expanded and my understanding of self had shifted to include new parts of my identity that I had discovered just four months in Botswana. My understanding of the world and the community that I was apart of had expanded to include the new places I had lived and the ones that I had decided I would visit in the future.
Now here I am, reflecting on an experience I had almost two years ago. Preparing to move to a yet to be disclosed state in Malaysia for 10 months, I am terrified once again. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking of the possibilities—positive and negative—that this new experience will hold. I am excited and energized by the idea and also scared and exhausted by just thinking of what is to come. It takes a lot to adjust to a new place and make yourself comfortable there, and it takes twice as much to leave it once you have found comfort in the uncomfortable and made a home for yourself somewhere foreign. I am scared to be heart broken again after I leave. I don’t look forward to the intense longing I will feel—for home when I first arrive—and for Malaysia for years after and move on to somewhere new.
What my time in Botswana taught me is that the most difficult, daunting, and unexpected choices in life are the ones that are the most rewarding and that I can make a home in the most unlikely of places. My semester in Botswana taught me that I could go anywhere and I would be better than just okay. I could go anywhere and I could be happy and I could adjust and I could change for the better but remain inherently myself. It was an idea that, as a midwestern girl who had never traveled abroad for an extended amount of time before, really allowed me to be open to new experiences in a way that I hadn't before even considered for myself. Change had always been something that shook me to my core and created huge knots in my stomach. I continue to be struck with extreme fear but I now have a solid evidence that pushing past that fear is rewarding. So when one of my mentors and professors suggested I apply for the Fulbright I decided to go for. And once again, when it came time to choose the country to which I would apply I remembered how well my (lack of) decision making had worked for me last time and just decided on Malaysia: somewhere I had never been, was curious about, and was even kind of afraid of. Even though I had the least amount of faith a person could have while applying for such a huge life changing opportunity I still decided to do it because "what the heck" right? So because of Botswana, and the beautiful people that I met there, and the tireless commitment of Dr. Laura Murphy who helped me with my application, I am about to embark on the longest trip I have ever taken, to go somewhere I have never been, and I am completely terrified, but I am totally okay with it. I know that the days between my first and last in Malaysia will be filled with a range of emotions, there will probably be many days full of tears either happy or sad. But as long as I leave with a photo album full of pictures, a blog full of posts, and memories to share I know that it will be worth it.
