Liminal and Limitless

Three weeks in a hotel living out of a suitcase would be frustrating for any person. Wouldn’t you agree? It is especially frustrating to a person who quit a job she loved, moved back home, was on bed rest for weeks due to surgery, and then circumvented the globe in order to start work as a teacher, only to be stuck in meetings day in and day out for the better part of the month of January. 

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and I have not even started the real work of being an English Teaching Assistant yet. *sigh* 

I hate to complain about how hard these past weeks have been. (Because in a lot of ways it has felt like I have been getting paid to mostly just have a vacation in a beautiful country for a few weeks.) It has been quite taxing to come all the way to the other side of the world and not yet be able to do any tangible work that I came all this way to do. Orientation in Kuala Lumpur was amazing; I formed some great friendships (with both locals and Americans), began to get to know the city, and had important sessions and discussions about the work I am about to do in the community that I am about to be living in for the next nine(ish) months. But by the time that were we finally scheduled to go into our states for in-state orientation I was already chomping at the bit to get to my school and into my own house. Now I am at least physically in Perlis, however have to wait until next week to really get started in my school though I get to move into my house this Tuesday!  *cue celebratory music*  

The reason for the extreme delay from my arrival in Perlis to my first real day of work is a combination of state orientation programming and Chinese New Year. (Fun fact: Malaysia recognizes more holidays than any other country in the world! Just one of the many perks of having a an ethnically and religiously diverse population.) Because the Chinese New Year is next week, every school in Malaysia gets about a week off of school which means I will have one day of work in my school before I have the first of many holiday breaks! My fellow Perlis ETAs and I plan to travel to Penang, another state in Malaysia, because Penang has a large Chinese population and is a great destination to really celebrate the New Year. I am excited because I have never celebrated Chinese New Year before and I know it will be a great experience (at least that is what every Malaysian person I talk to tells me) but I am frustrated because this break will only delay my ability to actually feel like i am doing something.  

While I am sure that, in the future, during a hectic moment I will completely regret how little I have appreciated the lack of responsibility I currently possess, I cannot help but have extreme anxiety about the liminal space I have been occupying for the past few months: right between doing absolutely nothing and experiencing absolutely everything. While it is not as bad a living at home with no job and basically no schedule everyday (I do have meetings with my mentor, planning sessions with my state, and briefings and different presentations from educators and other officials) the fact that I have not had any real autonomy to do anything myself or create a schedule where I actually accomplish a difficult work-related task is starting to weigh on me in a way that I have never felt before. In some ways I know that this anxiety that I am not doing enough just comes with the territory of being a recent college graduate who has no set in stone long term goals. But in other ways it is difficult to really articulate since rationally I know I am doing a lot (like moving to a completely different country, completing orientation, planning my schedule and responsibilities for the year, building relationships etc.) But the anxiety I am feeling is not coming from a completely rational place and so it is pretty difficult to articulate. But the great thing about this program is that there are other people in the exact same spot as I am who totally understand where I am coming from. Talking to other ETAs, many express the same feelings of longing to get started in the work we came here to do and anxiety about wanting to reclaim the control over their life, schedule, and diet. 

Basically I am just ready to start my life here, I am sick of living in a hotel, and I want to meet my students, make friends, and cook a meal for myself. Until I do those things it won’t quite feel like I have done anything at all. Until I do those things I will continue to wonder if this was worth all the fuss (even though I know deep down it totally is). This liminal space is driving me crazy and if it wasn’t for the other ETA’s around me to commiserate I might actually be crushed under the weight of the emotional knot that these past few months of hurry-up-and-wait has created in me. 

Even though the uncertainty and continued ambiguity of what my day to day life will actually look like is the massive elephant in the back of my mind at all times, I cannot help but be in complete awe of this country. The people, food, landscape, and diverse cultures commingle in a wild dance unlike anything I have ever experienced in the US. If the United States is a melting pot—all it’s cultures blending, bleeding, and fusing into one; then Malaysia is a massive feast—every culture’s complex flavors boasting their own greatness sliding right up to one another one yet all existing on the same table in an intricate and delicate balance. Malaysia is overwhelming in the best sense of the word and I am so lucky I get to explore this country for as long as I do.  

When I begin to get too wrapped up the logistics of my future I try to take a step back, take a look around, and remember that a liminal space is a threshold between a comfort zone and endless possibility, and that is an amazing spot to be in. 

Just some photos

 Abover two: Perlis, Malaysia. The state where I am placed. This is from Kuala Perlis which is right on the coast. The city I am placed is more inland but because Perlis is so small my house is only about 20 minutes away.

 Next week is Chinese New Year so everywhere is decorated! This is from outside Pavilion Mall in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

 Panorama of Kuala Lumpur from the National Mosque!
Below: When I visited the National Mosque! I had to be covered and they provide visitors with headcoverings (tudongs) and robes! Good thing because I was in shorts when we went.

 Above: building across from the National Mosque in KL. Not sure what it is but it was gorgeous!

 Above: The outside of the National Islamic Arts Museum in KL.

Below (2): Photos from the Botanical Garden in KL!

 Above: Mee (noodles!)
Below (10) : Photos from Batu Caves in KL. They are a Hindu temple built within a cave. So beautiful!

 Below (5): Photos from a hike all the ETAs did during orientation above an hour drive outside of KL!

 Below (2): More decorations for the Chinese New Year!

 Below: Another Temple in Chinatown in KL ! This one we didn't enter but the decorations were goegeous.

 Below (2): Jalan Alor Food Market street. So much yummy food for very few ringgit. Also in KL!

 Below 2: Light show at KLCC park and the Petronas towers!

Day 1 in KL: Free Falling, Inadequacy, & Orientation

Last night I had a dream that I was climbing a Mountain. I was trudging up a steep slope with dense tree coverage and beautiful green foliage all over the damp and muddy ground. The entire time I was climbing my excitement and anxiety grew as a I felt myself getting closer and closer to the top. When I took my final step onto what would have been the summit of the mountain, instead of stepping onto the solid ground and experiencing the view that I was expecting, I stepped into empty space and  suddenly dropped down into an epic free fall. Instead of being afraid I felt free and enthralled. And then I woke up. 

I think this dream is pretty representative of my journey thus far since my acceptance into the  Fulbright Malaysia ETA program.  The slow lonely trudge up the mountain was the year I spent refining my application, waiting for an acceptance or rejection, worrying, preparing, and packing after my acceptance, and waiting to come to Malaysia. And then suddenly, after what seems like forever, I arrived and my flight to Malaysia and first day in orientation in KL has been more of a free fall than a calming surveillance of the lay of the land. I have met over a 100 people, including members of my ETA cohort or MACEE (Malaysian American Commission on Educational Exchange) staff, who provided us with the grant and support all the ETAs throughout our year. The first day of orientation was packed full of information about who and what to know in general about the program, dos and don’ts while in our placements, regulations about outside travel,  and tips on living as an ETA from the coordinators—former  ETAs who have stayed on as employees of MACEE from the previous cohort. I will be in KL for just over two weeks for orientation before I move to my state where I will be living and working for the following nine months. It is so amazing to me that I will spend the majority of 2017 on the other side of the globe from my home, friends, and family. 

Day one of orientation was interesting because of how broad all the information has been. We will not learn our placements or roommates until next week (so please don’t ask). Because of this the answer to many questions (almost every question that kept me up at night during the weeks just before I left for KL) has been “it depends on your placement”. This was both wildly frustrating and amusing and indicative of the amazing cultural diversity of this country. I am more grateful to the MACEE staff for holding off on telling us our placements until next week than I thought I would/could be. This decision has forced me to try to get to know everyone in my cohort because anyone could be the person(s) I live with. It has helped me to stay present in my short time in Kuala Lumpur and to focus on getting to know this city (and country in general) before I dive into specific things about my placement. While I still agonize over whether or not I will be allowed to wear pants for the next year of my life, I can’t help but to just be grateful for the experience to travel so far, learn so much, eat great food, and get to know the amazing group of diverse, intelligent, brave, and fun people who make up the 2017 Fulbright Malaysia ETA Cohort. 

I am already falling in love with Kuala Lumpur. While we have not been able to see much of the city beyond a couple of miles around the hotel we are staying in, I am already in awe of how culturally and architecturally diverse and interesting this city is. On the hour long bus drive to KL from the airport my face was practically glued to the window as I observed the contrast between the simple tin roof structures we passed and the elaborate sky scrapers towering above them. The area of town where we are staying is definitely more upscale than I expected. We are in a hotel near Pavilion Mall, a massive shopping center holding high-end stores and what seems like endless restaurants. Walking around earlier today I was shocked by the amount of Starbucks and 711's there are in this area.  (I guess westernization really has no bounds). There are tons of really unique places to shop and eat, ranging from classic Malay to Italian fusion. My goal for the first week is to not eat at the same restaurant or have the same dish or drink twice! This honestly won't be very hard or expensive to do! I have eaten out for dinner both yesterday and today and have only spent about $10!! 

One of the major points of my anxiety about this trip (beyond being somewhere so new and so far) was a nagging feeling that I was going to less equipped to handle this experience than everyone else in my cohort. I expected to feel completely inadequate compared to everyone else. Honestly, I did not prepare that much before coming. Sure I made some note cards for basic greetings and phrases in Bahasa Malaysia, did some research about Malaysian culture, geography, and politics, and did my best to regularly check popular Malaysian media sites. But I felt like I was really doing the bare minimum of work to get to know a country I was (and still am) pretty ignorant about. I was so afraid that everyone else in my cohort was not only going to be better prepared than me but that they were all together going to have a better reason for choosing Malaysia and be more experienced in teaching. 

Since we have arrived I have made an effort to talk to a lot of different people in my cohort in order to get a feel for the group and find people I really click with. I have found that a lot of people I have spoken to are in the same boat as I am and even chose Malaysia for similar reasons (interest in the region coupled with a desire to go somewhere diverse and beautiful and developing). While the first few days have been a whirlwind and I certainly feel like I have been dropped into a fast-paced free fall, so much of my anxiety has dissipated even though most of the answers to the major questions I have about my experience won’t be covered until the in-state orientation. This free fall into a new space and place with all these new people has been more calming than any uber-detailed orientation package/ presentation could ever be because I finally am surrounded by everyone in the same boat as I am. We all came here together (almost everyone was on the same two flights from Hong Kong to KL) and none of us knows what to expect about the coming year. And though we might have climbed up the mountain by ourselves, at least now there are 99 other people beside me, holding my hands, as we free fall together into the unfamiliar territory below.