So it is that time of the year—our last week in our schools—and everyone is already feeling super nostalgic about their time in their placements. How do I know this? Because, I can’t help but see the posts all over social media of other ETAs praising their students and teachers, lamenting about the fact that they are going home soon, and just genuinely being really sappy about how much they have loved their time in Malaysia.
I recently posted on Instagram about how excited I am for cold weather.
Needless to say—not for the first time this year—I feel a serious distance between myself and how everyone else in my cohort is (showing the world they are) feeling. While I am sure that everyone’s emotions are way more complex than they are presenting on social media, I have to admit it is seriously grating to see so many people feeling so great about their experience in their schools. Even if it is all a show, I am really sick of it. It makes me feel like what I am feeling— elation at the impending reality of not being an ETA at this school anymore—is wrong. Once again, I feel like I am not ETA-ing correctly. I see what other people are saying about their experiences, and I just feel really self-conscious about having a differing opinion about the end of the grant. It just re-confirms that I had a year that was outside of the norm and outside of what this experience is meant to be.
Although it feels terrible to not have shared the same positive experience as everyone else, I have to remind myself that my experience—as much of an outlier as it is—is still valid and genuine. And even though everyone is presenting on social media that they are so heartbroken to leave and would stay another year if they could, I know that is not the complete truth for most people. It is easy to look at this experience through rose colored glasses when you are basically at the finish line.
My difficult experience in my school is one of the main reasons I was motivated to apply for the assistant coordinator position in this program. I wanted to share my experience with the new cohort because I felt like it was important that they hear that this year is not going to be “the best year ever” for everyone. Not every person is going to come away from this feeling some deep meaningful connection with their entire school community. I certainly don’t. I will miss a lot of the people and students I have met. But, if I am going to cry in the next few days they will be tears of relief more than anything else.
So I guess I just wanted to write this post to be at least the one person to say, I AM F*CKING READY TO LEAVE!
And that is okay. That is normal. I am not ashamed.
