Liminal and Limitless

Three weeks in a hotel living out of a suitcase would be frustrating for any person. Wouldn’t you agree? It is especially frustrating to a person who quit a job she loved, moved back home, was on bed rest for weeks due to surgery, and then circumvented the globe in order to start work as a teacher, only to be stuck in meetings day in and day out for the better part of the month of January. 

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and I have not even started the real work of being an English Teaching Assistant yet. *sigh* 

I hate to complain about how hard these past weeks have been. (Because in a lot of ways it has felt like I have been getting paid to mostly just have a vacation in a beautiful country for a few weeks.) It has been quite taxing to come all the way to the other side of the world and not yet be able to do any tangible work that I came all this way to do. Orientation in Kuala Lumpur was amazing; I formed some great friendships (with both locals and Americans), began to get to know the city, and had important sessions and discussions about the work I am about to do in the community that I am about to be living in for the next nine(ish) months. But by the time that were we finally scheduled to go into our states for in-state orientation I was already chomping at the bit to get to my school and into my own house. Now I am at least physically in Perlis, however have to wait until next week to really get started in my school though I get to move into my house this Tuesday!  *cue celebratory music*  

The reason for the extreme delay from my arrival in Perlis to my first real day of work is a combination of state orientation programming and Chinese New Year. (Fun fact: Malaysia recognizes more holidays than any other country in the world! Just one of the many perks of having a an ethnically and religiously diverse population.) Because the Chinese New Year is next week, every school in Malaysia gets about a week off of school which means I will have one day of work in my school before I have the first of many holiday breaks! My fellow Perlis ETAs and I plan to travel to Penang, another state in Malaysia, because Penang has a large Chinese population and is a great destination to really celebrate the New Year. I am excited because I have never celebrated Chinese New Year before and I know it will be a great experience (at least that is what every Malaysian person I talk to tells me) but I am frustrated because this break will only delay my ability to actually feel like i am doing something.  

While I am sure that, in the future, during a hectic moment I will completely regret how little I have appreciated the lack of responsibility I currently possess, I cannot help but have extreme anxiety about the liminal space I have been occupying for the past few months: right between doing absolutely nothing and experiencing absolutely everything. While it is not as bad a living at home with no job and basically no schedule everyday (I do have meetings with my mentor, planning sessions with my state, and briefings and different presentations from educators and other officials) the fact that I have not had any real autonomy to do anything myself or create a schedule where I actually accomplish a difficult work-related task is starting to weigh on me in a way that I have never felt before. In some ways I know that this anxiety that I am not doing enough just comes with the territory of being a recent college graduate who has no set in stone long term goals. But in other ways it is difficult to really articulate since rationally I know I am doing a lot (like moving to a completely different country, completing orientation, planning my schedule and responsibilities for the year, building relationships etc.) But the anxiety I am feeling is not coming from a completely rational place and so it is pretty difficult to articulate. But the great thing about this program is that there are other people in the exact same spot as I am who totally understand where I am coming from. Talking to other ETAs, many express the same feelings of longing to get started in the work we came here to do and anxiety about wanting to reclaim the control over their life, schedule, and diet. 

Basically I am just ready to start my life here, I am sick of living in a hotel, and I want to meet my students, make friends, and cook a meal for myself. Until I do those things it won’t quite feel like I have done anything at all. Until I do those things I will continue to wonder if this was worth all the fuss (even though I know deep down it totally is). This liminal space is driving me crazy and if it wasn’t for the other ETA’s around me to commiserate I might actually be crushed under the weight of the emotional knot that these past few months of hurry-up-and-wait has created in me. 

Even though the uncertainty and continued ambiguity of what my day to day life will actually look like is the massive elephant in the back of my mind at all times, I cannot help but be in complete awe of this country. The people, food, landscape, and diverse cultures commingle in a wild dance unlike anything I have ever experienced in the US. If the United States is a melting pot—all it’s cultures blending, bleeding, and fusing into one; then Malaysia is a massive feast—every culture’s complex flavors boasting their own greatness sliding right up to one another one yet all existing on the same table in an intricate and delicate balance. Malaysia is overwhelming in the best sense of the word and I am so lucky I get to explore this country for as long as I do.  

When I begin to get too wrapped up the logistics of my future I try to take a step back, take a look around, and remember that a liminal space is a threshold between a comfort zone and endless possibility, and that is an amazing spot to be in. 

Just some photos

 Abover two: Perlis, Malaysia. The state where I am placed. This is from Kuala Perlis which is right on the coast. The city I am placed is more inland but because Perlis is so small my house is only about 20 minutes away.

 Next week is Chinese New Year so everywhere is decorated! This is from outside Pavilion Mall in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

 Panorama of Kuala Lumpur from the National Mosque!
Below: When I visited the National Mosque! I had to be covered and they provide visitors with headcoverings (tudongs) and robes! Good thing because I was in shorts when we went.

 Above: building across from the National Mosque in KL. Not sure what it is but it was gorgeous!

 Above: The outside of the National Islamic Arts Museum in KL.

Below (2): Photos from the Botanical Garden in KL!

 Above: Mee (noodles!)
Below (10) : Photos from Batu Caves in KL. They are a Hindu temple built within a cave. So beautiful!

 Below (5): Photos from a hike all the ETAs did during orientation above an hour drive outside of KL!

 Below (2): More decorations for the Chinese New Year!

 Below: Another Temple in Chinatown in KL ! This one we didn't enter but the decorations were goegeous.

 Below (2): Jalan Alor Food Market street. So much yummy food for very few ringgit. Also in KL!

 Below 2: Light show at KLCC park and the Petronas towers!

Day 1 in KL: Free Falling, Inadequacy, & Orientation

Last night I had a dream that I was climbing a Mountain. I was trudging up a steep slope with dense tree coverage and beautiful green foliage all over the damp and muddy ground. The entire time I was climbing my excitement and anxiety grew as a I felt myself getting closer and closer to the top. When I took my final step onto what would have been the summit of the mountain, instead of stepping onto the solid ground and experiencing the view that I was expecting, I stepped into empty space and  suddenly dropped down into an epic free fall. Instead of being afraid I felt free and enthralled. And then I woke up. 

I think this dream is pretty representative of my journey thus far since my acceptance into the  Fulbright Malaysia ETA program.  The slow lonely trudge up the mountain was the year I spent refining my application, waiting for an acceptance or rejection, worrying, preparing, and packing after my acceptance, and waiting to come to Malaysia. And then suddenly, after what seems like forever, I arrived and my flight to Malaysia and first day in orientation in KL has been more of a free fall than a calming surveillance of the lay of the land. I have met over a 100 people, including members of my ETA cohort or MACEE (Malaysian American Commission on Educational Exchange) staff, who provided us with the grant and support all the ETAs throughout our year. The first day of orientation was packed full of information about who and what to know in general about the program, dos and don’ts while in our placements, regulations about outside travel,  and tips on living as an ETA from the coordinators—former  ETAs who have stayed on as employees of MACEE from the previous cohort. I will be in KL for just over two weeks for orientation before I move to my state where I will be living and working for the following nine months. It is so amazing to me that I will spend the majority of 2017 on the other side of the globe from my home, friends, and family. 

Day one of orientation was interesting because of how broad all the information has been. We will not learn our placements or roommates until next week (so please don’t ask). Because of this the answer to many questions (almost every question that kept me up at night during the weeks just before I left for KL) has been “it depends on your placement”. This was both wildly frustrating and amusing and indicative of the amazing cultural diversity of this country. I am more grateful to the MACEE staff for holding off on telling us our placements until next week than I thought I would/could be. This decision has forced me to try to get to know everyone in my cohort because anyone could be the person(s) I live with. It has helped me to stay present in my short time in Kuala Lumpur and to focus on getting to know this city (and country in general) before I dive into specific things about my placement. While I still agonize over whether or not I will be allowed to wear pants for the next year of my life, I can’t help but to just be grateful for the experience to travel so far, learn so much, eat great food, and get to know the amazing group of diverse, intelligent, brave, and fun people who make up the 2017 Fulbright Malaysia ETA Cohort. 

I am already falling in love with Kuala Lumpur. While we have not been able to see much of the city beyond a couple of miles around the hotel we are staying in, I am already in awe of how culturally and architecturally diverse and interesting this city is. On the hour long bus drive to KL from the airport my face was practically glued to the window as I observed the contrast between the simple tin roof structures we passed and the elaborate sky scrapers towering above them. The area of town where we are staying is definitely more upscale than I expected. We are in a hotel near Pavilion Mall, a massive shopping center holding high-end stores and what seems like endless restaurants. Walking around earlier today I was shocked by the amount of Starbucks and 711's there are in this area.  (I guess westernization really has no bounds). There are tons of really unique places to shop and eat, ranging from classic Malay to Italian fusion. My goal for the first week is to not eat at the same restaurant or have the same dish or drink twice! This honestly won't be very hard or expensive to do! I have eaten out for dinner both yesterday and today and have only spent about $10!! 

One of the major points of my anxiety about this trip (beyond being somewhere so new and so far) was a nagging feeling that I was going to less equipped to handle this experience than everyone else in my cohort. I expected to feel completely inadequate compared to everyone else. Honestly, I did not prepare that much before coming. Sure I made some note cards for basic greetings and phrases in Bahasa Malaysia, did some research about Malaysian culture, geography, and politics, and did my best to regularly check popular Malaysian media sites. But I felt like I was really doing the bare minimum of work to get to know a country I was (and still am) pretty ignorant about. I was so afraid that everyone else in my cohort was not only going to be better prepared than me but that they were all together going to have a better reason for choosing Malaysia and be more experienced in teaching. 

Since we have arrived I have made an effort to talk to a lot of different people in my cohort in order to get a feel for the group and find people I really click with. I have found that a lot of people I have spoken to are in the same boat as I am and even chose Malaysia for similar reasons (interest in the region coupled with a desire to go somewhere diverse and beautiful and developing). While the first few days have been a whirlwind and I certainly feel like I have been dropped into a fast-paced free fall, so much of my anxiety has dissipated even though most of the answers to the major questions I have about my experience won’t be covered until the in-state orientation. This free fall into a new space and place with all these new people has been more calming than any uber-detailed orientation package/ presentation could ever be because I finally am surrounded by everyone in the same boat as I am. We all came here together (almost everyone was on the same two flights from Hong Kong to KL) and none of us knows what to expect about the coming year. And though we might have climbed up the mountain by ourselves, at least now there are 99 other people beside me, holding my hands, as we free fall together into the unfamiliar territory below. 

"What the Heck" Moments

As I think about leaving for Malaysia in just 41 days I cant help but think about the decision that truly began my journey towards becoming a Fulbright Malaysia ETA. I chose to go to Gaborone, Botswana for the spring semester of my Junior year of college. I decided to study abroad mostly because a lot of my friends were studying abroad during that semester and I did not want to be left out. I could never really nail down a great reason why I chose Gaborone over the hundreds of other study abroad locations I could choose from. I got into the habit of telling people who asked why I chose Gaborone, Botswana that I threw a dart at a map and just went with it. But to be honest my decision lacked even that much definitiveness. I remember flipping through the pages of location options and just choosing Botswana, mostly because I did not know anything about the place and had a "what the heck" moment. I was really self conscious about this until I got to University of Botswana and met the other international students who would be at UB that semester and learned that most of them did not have a solid reason for choosing Gaborone either besides the spirit of adventure and a longing to get to the African continent (on which study abroad options are severely limited). But the time I spent in Botswana and neighboring countries had a transforming effect on me that I did not expect to have. I fell in love with my life there which was so full of discovery that there was rarely a day that I did not learn something about the new place I was in or about myself. My random decision to just pick anywhere showed me that I could do just that and feel not just happy and excited but content and comfortable in a wildly new space.

I cried on both my first morning and last morning in Gaborone, Botswana. The first day I cried because I was so afraid and nervous. I sat in the back seat of the van on the way from the Airport to the University of Botswana in silence literally trembling with fear, excitement, and disorientation. On the bus with me were three of our UB buddies who would show us the ropes the first few weeks. One of the buddies who I grew fairly attached to during my time, stood next to me and filled the awkward silence by pointing out landmarks, businesses, and points of interest as we drove to the mall to buy a padlock for my dorm room door. (Yes our doors locked and unlocked like lockers. I thought it was strange too.) On that day everything was so new. I did not know anyone, I knew next to nothing about the country I was going to be living in for the next four months (and what I thought I knew I had almost all wrong). I was anxious that I wouldn’t make friends, Motswana or American, and I had a feeling that I made a horrible decision in deciding to complete a semester abroad somewhere so foreign to me. 

On my last morning in Gabs I was an emotional wreck. I had found friends, love, community, happiness, peace, and so much more through my adventures there. My experience had been hard, confusing, frustrating, even ridiculous at times but at that point I was so happy I had chosen Gaborone, Botswana and regretted not committing to stay for an entire school year (or moving to South Africa permanently). My heart broke in half when I boarded my flight from Johannesburg Airport back to the States. Even though I had made American friends who since I have been lucky enough to visit and stay in touch with, I knew I was leaving a beautiful piece of myself with the people and experiences that had shaped me so much while I was a student at University of Botswana. I was aware that I had changed, my patience had expanded and my understanding of self had shifted to include new parts of my identity that I had discovered just four months in Botswana. My understanding of the world and the community that I was apart of had expanded to include the new places I had lived and the ones that I had decided I would visit in the future.  

Now here I am, reflecting on an experience I had almost two years ago. Preparing to move to a yet to be disclosed state in Malaysia for 10 months, I am terrified once again. I get a knot in my stomach just thinking of the possibilities—positive and negative—that this new experience will hold. I am excited and energized by the idea and also scared and exhausted by just thinking of what is to come. It takes a lot to adjust to a new place and make yourself comfortable there, and it takes twice as much to leave it once you have found comfort in the uncomfortable and made a home for yourself somewhere foreign. I am scared to be heart broken again after I leave. I don’t look forward to the intense longing I will feel—for home when I first arrive—and for Malaysia for years after  and move on to somewhere new. 

What my time in Botswana taught me is that the most difficult, daunting, and unexpected choices in life are the ones that are the most rewarding and that I can make a home in the most unlikely of places. My semester in Botswana taught me that I could go anywhere and I would be better than just okay. I could go anywhere and I could be happy and I could adjust and I could change for the better but remain inherently myself.  It was an idea that, as a midwestern girl who had never traveled abroad for an extended amount of time before, really allowed me to be open to new experiences in a way that I hadn't before even considered for myself. Change had always been something that shook me to my core and created huge knots in my stomach. I continue to be struck with extreme fear but I now have a solid evidence that pushing past that fear is rewarding.  So when one of my mentors and professors suggested I apply for the Fulbright I decided to go for. And once again, when it came time to choose the country to which I would apply I remembered how well my (lack of) decision making had worked for me last time and just decided on Malaysia: somewhere I had never been, was curious about, and was even kind of afraid of. Even though I had the least amount of faith a person could have while applying for such a huge life changing opportunity I still decided to do it because "what the heck" right? So because of Botswana, and the beautiful people that I met there,  and the tireless commitment of Dr. Laura Murphy who helped me with my application, I am about to embark on the longest trip I have ever taken, to go somewhere I have never been, and I am completely terrified, but I am totally okay with it. I know that the days between my first and last in Malaysia will be filled with a range of emotions, there will probably be many days full of tears either happy or sad. But as long as I leave with a photo album full of pictures, a blog full of posts, and memories to share I know that it will be worth it.